Mom, I Am Tough | Self-intimacy: My gender is my voice | S2 E14 | Love & Sex | Umy
Love. Self. Umy!Play Episode
Description
That day, if my mom hadn't shouted at that pervert in the library, I would run into the sexual harassment again. My mom was really mean.
I will feel the sexual drive of the person deeply before the sexual assault, or at the moment. I feel ashamed when I find out about their sexual impulses because I detect the most private and secret parts of them. At this point, I thought I had violated his privacy because I just found out! I feel guilty, sorry, and distressing, so I want to cover up the assault and obey them to make my shame disappear.
If someone molests my body at this time, I think I am compensating for my shame and guilt, so it is easy for me to fulfill them, which actually makes me feel better.
This is my usual self-harm technique called "I thought…“. I thought that the person who harassed me was suffering, he couldn’t help it, his behavior was an ask for my help. I thought that at the moment, he was feeling ashamed, guilty, and embarrassed. In fact, shame, guilt, embarrass are all my own emotions.
I was uncomfortable. I was embarrassed. I was touched, and I kept letting people rub and grasp my body. Why? Because I wanted to apologize right away. To whom? I didn’t know, I just felt sorry at those past moments.
I should really apologize to myself. What am I doing? what happened to me now? Who is touching me? Those guys, they are the perverts. I never forget them, their looks, their acts, their hands, and their smells, breaths, fingers, and grips close to me. I still remember it today.
In this matter, I will not dissociate, I cannot lose my memory, I don’t have multi-personalities, I remember everything. These are hard evidence of my self-harm. The evidence reminds me that if I run into a sexual assault again, please, just yell: "Hey! You touch my chest. It's you, the boy in a black cap, a yellow T-shirt, and blue jeans. It’s sexual harassment! Catch him." I am more direct and mean than my mom.
Right, mom?
Happy Mother's Day.
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