My Audience | Self-intimacy: My gender is my voice | S2 E16 | Love & Sex | Umy
Love. Self. Umy!Play Episode
Description
I am my audience. The author is you.
You kept recounting your sad and unpleasant experiences, and your roaring and crying. I felt so tired of it. I don't understand you.
I can understand how embarrassing and shameful it was to expose privacy in public. You insisted on doing so. But what I don't understand the most is that I was forced to experience your unhappiness, stress, and pain, which made me very unhappy and embarrassed. You recalled my secret shame and guilt.
I was watching and listening to you, but why does it seem like I was being watched too?
The moment I listened and read, I started to get scared. Why was I afraid? I started to think about your fear...
You are terrified of all your sexual pasts: your sexual impulse, your sexuality, your sexual experience, your emotional blackmail. You knew what was wrong, unhygienic, unhealthy, immature. So I thought about my terrifying pasts and made a list of them in my mind.
I gave them a ranking on how negative they are. It is my private fear ranking, no one knows.
Yes, I admit, those pasts are truly bad. I secretly compared my ranking with yours. Now I understand you. You didn't know my embarrassment and privacy, you would never know. You just wanted to tell me that after analyzing my fear ranking once, I would know myself deeply in a totally different way. Then next time, if my fear and anxiety punch me again: whether it is physical pain, emotional breakdown, or mental disorder, I can take out this list and ask myself, "How bad is this issue?“ And once I rank it, I will be able to locate my uncertainty. I have no way to feel afraid.
I’ve never known that the disturbing and shameful pasts could teach and support the present me to be confident in my every step later on. I feel much more relieved.
You said that „I“ is a neutral word. After knowing the I in a negative way, we should explore in a positive way also. Well, I guess according to your habit of thinking out of the box, you would say…
Except for „I“ being positive and negative, what other aspects of „I“ do we obtain?
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