I Have to Help Males | Self-intimacy: My gender is my voice | S2 E13 | Love & Sex | Umy
Love. Self. Umy!Play Episode
Description
I’ve really thought about becoming a male. I would imagine having external genitalia, having male physiological responses, or having sudden sexual impulses. The first time I had this thought was when I was 15 years old when a man squeezed my breasts with his elbow. I had been constantly harassed since then: on the bus, in the pool, in the library, in crowded places, the people who rubbed my body or made a pass at me were all males. After accumulating too much harassment experience, I developed my gender discrimination. I had sexist concepts in all relationships.
I got a serious Stockholm syndrome. I even often think that if a guy gets on his knees and begs me to have sex with him, I'll say sure. At first, I thought it was because I didn’t know what „having the male sex drive” feels like, and I imagined the word “impulse” as violent, out of control, and shameful. So when I was harassed, I thought that the male who harassed me must be feeling guilty at the same time, thus I should never show my emotions, or he would be ashamed to death and kill himself. My thoughts on harassment, coupled with my super keen observation and misplaced empathy, have made me feel that for men, getting a boner is shameful! They have no choice, it is difficult to stop glancing at female boosts, to avoid erections. They are pitiful, they are very uncomfortable, they are really miserable! I have to help those males or they will die.
Then I subconsciously cover, rationalize, and distort my reactions as much as possible. I thought that I am kind, loving, and considerate. I felt superior to all other humans. I am helping people. I am special. But I was unhappy, and I was often spaced out reluctantly. I dissociated from my feelings again and again.
I occupy the victim's seat and turn everyone who passes by me into a perpetrator. I love to protect them so much, just like protecting cute babies and small puppies. My prejudice against males is that I don't see them as "humans". I see these males as animals.
I used to discriminate against people around me based on their genders and then gave them certain prejudices according to their actions. But these stereotypes made my life more difficult. I'm asking for trouble at all!
As a human being, I can see my sexual drive as a chance for self-development, and I can figure out what I was thinking, and what are my reactions when I have this impulse. During my period of sexual growth, I would come to realize the healthy and appropriate activities to enjoy and transcend my sexual desires. These are what a human should be able to do.
So, dear me, stop having a bias toward humans.
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